Why India Was Dang Hard For Me
- stemeillon
- Dec 13, 2024
- 15 min read
Updated: Mar 14
In my second post from India I’ll walk through some of the interactions I had with locals and then reflect on my overall experience. I was challenged here on many fronts, and thus I learned a lot. I've divided the post into short-stories, although some are longer than others, and my broader reflection is at the bottom. Maybe this is where my negativity bias really shows, as the negative experiences I had were much more striking for me than the positive ones.
My Hostel Location
I stayed in a local market district with practically no tourists, and my hostel was just $3/night. Many people wanted to know where I was staying and I told them the name of a different hostel for safety reasons.
It was striking to me how few women were on the streets. While men worked in the market, women were mostly at home as housewives. I got so many unfortunate looks, barks, and catcalls from the men. It felt like pretty much every man either wanted money or sex and it was extremely exhausting to navigate. I never felt unsafe but constantly felt uncomfortable. Wearing sunglasses made a crazy difference as to whether people would come up and talk to me, so in the end I brought them everywhere with me.
Meeting Shubham
My first night I was walking to find a restaurant and a guy my age named Shubham started chatting with me about my travels and Jaipur. He showed me a nice restaurant with a cute rooftop terrace and then read my palm. I was not expecting that. He then led me through a short meditation in the restaurant and we were saying Ohm n’ stuff it was a funny situation. He told me a lot about Indian culture, and that they say if you have a good relationship, wine/beer, and hot food, you will be happy (Shebab, Sherab, Kebab). He took me to try betel leaves, which they stuff with different spices and eat after meals to help with digestion, and walked me back to my hostel. It was nice to feel like I had a friend.
The next morning he sent me a dozen texts saying he dreamt of me and fell in love with me and it freaked me out so I sent a curt response saying sorry that’s not what I’m looking for. He sent me dozens of texts after that and I never responded.
I then ran into him in the street two more times over the course of two weeks and it felt very awkward because I didn’t want to give him any ideas, but I didn’t want to feel rude because he was genuinely a nice person. In the end he texted me saying it was destiny that we’d crossed paths so many times (I think it’s just a product of him working on the same street as my hostel). Oh well anyway it was unsettling.
Old Men and the Puppet Maker
First of all, many old guys asked for my WhatsApp and invited me for chai, and initially I didn’t know how to say no but I gradually learned that a scowl is my friend.
One afternoon I was walking to meet a friend for a beer and this older man came to me and started talking. At first I was wary but he gifted me some good luck beads and insisted I didn’t pay. He told me all about his life: his name is Raju and he is a renowned traditional puppet maker/master. It reminded me of the toymaker in the movie Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
He showed me some of his puppets, which he was carrying around and trying to sell at the market, and offered to show me his home where he makes the puppets. I was way early to meet with my friend so I said why not, mostly because he told me it was only "150 meters and then 150 meters." Spoiler: it was a 10 minute rickshaw ride. My spidey senses were tingling but not in a bad way, just a cautious way, and he showed me his home and introduced me to his daughter who was about my age. All the kids that lived in his little alley wanted to say hello or shake my hand. His home was tiny and modest and it seemed many people lived there. He invited me to dinner on Sunday and said he wanted to give me his dead wife’s saris (which seemed really strange to me but I told him I would let him know for dinner).
Sunday rolled around and other plans came up, so I sent Raju a message apologizing that I couldn’t make it. A few days later he called me and told me he was so sad when I didn’t come for dinner and explained that he hadn’t seen my text (not my fault?). I told him I was leaving that night and he asked if we could just have some chai, and I felt so bad about the dinner so I said okay and met him.
He brought his friend, a rickshaw driver, and we went to a hole-in-the-wall coffee shop. The floor was disgusting, the whole room smelled like cigarettes and piss, I was the only woman, and I was skeptical of having any of their coffee. But he insisted and we had a small instant coffee and his friend made really displeasing eyes at me the whole time and kept asking if I had a boyfriend. Raju kept bringing up how hurt he was that I hadn’t come for dinner, and that they prepared a whole feast just for me, and eventually I snapped at him and said “I sent you a message, it wasn’t my fault you didn’t see it.” It felt really terrible. The whole thing.
They drove me back and Raju bought me a rose at a little stand against my will; feeling awkward, I gave him a little folded paper star I made that morning (a German Christmas tradition that my German friends showed me) and he was so happy and gave me many hugs and said I should come back and see him and connect him with any friends that might visit Jaipur in the future. I was glad I went in a way because I did feel badly about the dinner, but it also made me extremely uncomfortable and I was thrilled to be done with that.
My Hostel Host
The main host at my hostel, Jass, was friendly and hospitable. Every night he made us all chai on the roof and, since he was previously a trained masseuse, would give us all little head massages. He and I got along well since I was there for so long, and usually he would give me a little hug before bed. He even invited me to his village one day when he had to go see his family (I was working with the block carver so I declined). Also he was like 40.
At the end of my stay he insisted on coming with me to the bus stand and offered me the rickshaw ride with the owner of the hostel. The owner was watching me gather my things and asked me the dreaded question (do you have a boyfriend) and started to make gross comments about wanting to be with me. I shrugged him off and got my stuff together, and then in the rickshaw Jass kept telling me he was so sad to see me go and kept hugging me and it felt really weird but I thought oh he’s my friend it’s no biggy. But then when he dropped me off, he all but professed love and said he wants me to drop everything and move to Jaipur to be with him and open a hostel (at least that’s how I interpreted it). I felt so unwell; the one person I thought was really my friend in Jaipur really was no better than the other guys in the city.
Destiny?
Several men told me it was destiny that we met. I usually said nope I don’t think so, and carried on.
Illegal Beer
An engineering student I met offered to show me a restaurant where I could find some chicken (hard to find meat in a Hindu city). He was 40 minutes late during which time I was approached by a lot of unpleasant men, and while the restaurant was nice and he didn’t insinuate any advances or anything (really just friendly). Afterwards he wanted to find a beer, but it was already late.
He insisted we go to a place he knew where you can buy beer even after legal alcohol-selling hours and he left me outside alone in front for 15 minutes while he disappeared inside to find a beer (women not allowed). All the men were staring at me and it felt so uncomfortable, then finally he came back outside with two beers and the shop owner wanted us to come back to his house to have a drink, which I was absolutely not okay with and we quickly left to have the beer in peace. Even then, it was not so peaceful because public drinking is extremely not allowed here so we had to hide in an alley by my hostel.
No Wedding for Stelly
I was invited to two separate weddings by different guys, and while it's something I so wanted to see (and December is wedding season in India), I realized those men expected me to come as their girlfriend. So maybe next time.
The 3Brothers
The three guys that worked at 3Brothers, the café I frequented often, invited me to join them and some friends at a temple on Wednesday night because they always went to say a prayer on Wednesday for sunset. I was excited to go, and they told me to just come at 6:00. I remember thinking it was cool to have an “old” type of experience where no phones were necessary for communication and I would just show up.
But then on Wednesday I felt so so unwell, my stomach was cramping terribly (likely from ALL the milk), and I couldn’t even drag myself out of bed, much less brave the traffic for a 15 minute walk to their café just to tell them I couldn’t go (because I didn’t have their number to text). I felt bad but hoped they wouldn’t wait too long and just go without me.
I went the next morning for breakfast and to apologize and they said they waited an hour and a half for me and I felt AWFUL. I apologized profusely and didn’t know what else to say. Especially because those guys had been so nice to me and I really did want to go.
The Food
I loved the food here, the flavors are so rich. It wasn't as spicy as I was expecting, but I've been growing my spice tolerance for a while and I know that when they saw me they would make it less spicy on purpose. But the street food was great and so so cheap, and I never got food poisoning! It helps that most of them don't eat meat (for Hindu reasons) so I didn't have to wonder if the meat was safe. They eat with their right hand as the left hand is considered dirty (from how they use the toilet, more in my obligatory toilet post later). Although at this point, with modern sanitation, eating with the right hand is more a cultural practice than a necessary one.
Trash
So far I've been astounded at all the trash I see in Asia. I think it's a lack of education on plastic and the threat it poses to the environment, so people simply aren't aware. A man on the bus tossed his plastic bottles out the window and it made me sick to my stomach. It is everywhere. Of course, Jaipur is a major city so it's more abundant here than other places. There's a trash cleanup service but it's ineffective and expensive, so while some people burn their trash, many just throw it out behind their house. The alleys are completely filled with discarded bottles, wrappers, papers, etc. and the smell is pungent. There were times I saw human defecations in the alley, and even saw a child squat-pooing in the gutter. However, India is known for being dirty and I think that's unfair. The houses are kept clean and tidy and stores are generally afforded the same care. They take pride in cleanliness and since many women are housewives it's their full time job to ensure everything is in order.
Vrindavan and the Hare Krishnas
This may have been my most positive experience while in India. After Jaipur I went to meet up with my friend Champakalata from African Dance in 2022, who is a Hare Krishna devotee and was coincidentally spending some time in northern India not far from Jaipur. She showed me around Vrindavan, the birthplace of Krishna, and gave me a full day immersion into Hindu culture. She dressed me in Indian clothing and we went to meet her friend Manjari for a sunset boat in the holy Yamuna river. I stayed with her sweet host family and felt very lucky to have found her there. We went to so many temples and I think that, standing in the middle of a chant in the ISCKON temple (dedicated to Srila Prabhupada), I felt a real connection with the people around me for the first time. I don’t pretend to be religious but I can admire the community it fosters, and I quite admire some aspects of Hinduism. For example, the faith is intertwined with nature and spirituality and to me it was much more interesting than other religions I’ve learned about.
Convolution and the Motorcyclist
On my last day in India I tried to go to the bus stop, as indicated by a Google Maps pin on my bus ticket, but when I showed up there was no bus stand. Champakalata's host father found me the rickshaw for 200 even though I knew that was too high, but the deal was that he help me find the correct place if the first location was wrong.
Once we realized the pin location was wrong, he didn’t try to help me find the place and I stood around trying to find help for about 30 minutes. Finally a guy came to fill his tank and he started helping me because he actually spoke some English. He told me he could take me to the correct bus stand, so I paid the rickshaw driver who then asked me for 250. I was pissed at his audacity and gave 200 and left.
The other guy took me on his motorcycle for 30+ minutes to the correct place and I really had no idea where we were going. We made it an hour after my bus was scheduled and he helped me find where/when the next bus was leaving. It wasn’t for another hour, and he waited with me and bought me some chai and biscuits and started to make weird conversation about how I was his best friend. He texted my Instagram to his friends and they started trying to follow me and it was really uncomfortable.
He finally dropped me off at the correct place and I asked him how much I owed him but he insisted he just wanted a selfie. I gave him 500 anyway, a generous amount. He then asked for 500 MORE which was so so so absurd but I was freaking exhausted by the constant money grab and negotiation and everything else so I gave it to him and told him to go away. This one especially sat so unwell with me, I felt so taken advantage of. This guy saw me desperate for help and knew he could abuse of that. Plus then I didn't have the money for the visa at the border with Nepal and it held the whole bus back while I scrambled to find an ATM.
A Crucial Cultural Difference
I learned from a friend at the end of my trip that relationships are extremely important in India and sex is taboo, so even eye contact and a smile feels incredibly intimate. Thus you are not supposed to look a man in the eyes and/or smile at them if you don’t want to give them any ideas. And some men in India only know white women from a pornographic standpoint and thus see white women as very sexual objects.
The Flower Girls
Two young girls, maybe 12-14, came to me and gave me a flower and told me I was beautiful and then walked off into oncoming traffic.
The Jains
My German friend Claudia accompanied me for a day of block carving and we took a break to go to a Jain Temple. Jainism is quite a particular religion: the monks stay naked at all times, eat one meal per day (must be vegan and vegetarian, no onions or garlic, and has to be eaten before the sun sets), and sleep on a hard surface with no blankets. We sat in front of the monk and were able to ask him some questions, and met a really kind and curious old woman with whom we chatted for half an hour about all sorts of things. A different guy showed us around the massive temple and explained some different aspects of the religion, although there was a significant language barrier.
A different time, Claudia and her husband Christoff were walking around and went into a Jain temple, where a completely naked monk was standing on a small stage. He blessed them with what looked like a feather duster and told them they must eat only vegetables. Someone then gave them little bracelets with the swastika on them (still a common symbol for prosperity and well-being for much of the Asian world), and I think the German in them did a double-take. It's awesome to see that this part of the world didn't let Hitler taint their religious and cultural emblem as he did for the rest of the world.
The Positive Side
Of course I didn’t have all bad experiences, some people were genuinely friendly and curious what I was doing there and wanted to share some stories and it was harmless and nice and one-and-done. Lots of people took pictures with me, or of me, and were very intrigued by blond hair and especially blue eyes. But frankly I think 90% of my positive experiences happened because I was walking around with others, especially when I was with the German couple and there was a man present. It’s bonkers how much more at ease I felt. Typically when I was alone is when all the weirdness started. I've included here a bunch of photos from the good times I had. I realize people only really take pictures of the things they want to remember, thus I have many more good memories than bad in my camera roll.
Reflection
I’ve never been in a place where:
The culture was SO different, especially on an interpersonal level
I never felt like myself
I was so aware of being a woman
I felt so targeted for being white; I know the insane privilege of even saying that
I think it was extremely important for India to be a part of my trip because when I started traveling, my goal was to feel uncomfortable and learn from it. Coming from Cambodia, where everyone smiles at you, to a place where people don’t really smile at you (and if they do it’s because they want more from you) was shocking. I wasn’t prepared to navigate that at all. Smiling and eye contact are my pillars for human connection, and discarding them felt like I was discarding my humanity. I tried to adapt but I felt awful. I think it would have been much different had I been able to meet more women. For example, my last day I went to a yoga class, and it was crazy hard and different from the west. I fell asleep at the end during shavasana (oops) and woke up to the others chanting. It was beautiful and eerie. At the end a woman came and chatted with me and told me she was a housewife/artist in the area. I wish I’d tried doing a class like this at the beginning because I think befriending women would have drastically changed my experience.
It was also the first time where I could go days without seeing any other white people, especially remarkable given how many people I saw daily (Jaipur has 8 million people and considerably few tourists). I thought about how it must feel for colored people that move to the US or to Europe and are treated so poorly, especially when their cities/villages back home prioritize human connection in everyday life. I feel like I’ve experienced only a fraction of a glimpse at how isolating that is. In the same way that Asian people can be sexualized by white people, white people are sexualized in India because men see that women are sexually freer. And from what I've read it seems like I had it easy as a foreigner; black people have said they felt demonized in India. Reference this interview, which discusses the history and prevalence of racism in India. Eventually going back to countries where white people are in the majority, I know I will see things differently and make a greater effort to educate others and create a welcoming environment for foreigners.
At the end of my trip I was boarding a bus and a French guy spotted me as the only other white person on the bus, and when he was talking to me I realized I’d become so cold and detached while talking to men. Eventually he told me how he was pining over a girl from home and I felt a wave of relief come over me; I could finally talk to a guy without feeling like he had ulterior motives. I don’t like how India made me feel rude, snappy, and always on my guard. The bargaining too: it felt like everyone was trying to rip me off all the time. I’m okay with paying a slightly higher tourist price but some people ask inane prices, like 200 instead of 24 rupees for some instant freaking noodles. I know I’m blonde but I’m actually not totally clueless.
As I said, India was such an enlightening experience. Not in the spiritual gobbledygooky way that goes over my head (I am not harking on those experiences, it was just nothing like mine), but in a “wow I could never live here” kind of way. I realized what aspects of human interaction hold value for me and I know now that I have certain values which I can’t change my mind on, i.e. smiling is not about sex and women should be held to the same respect as men (if not more ahaha, maybe the world should overcompensate for all the trouble women have been through). It was easily the most mind-bending challenge of my trip this far, despite its short duration. Anyway. If you go to India be mindful of yourself.
Next: a 34-hour travel by bus from Vrindavan to Kathmandu, woohu!
It is so grueling as a feminist (an old-ass, lady of a certain age feminist to boot!) to hear of your experiences being objectified and preyed upon by men. I get the whole cultural differences thing (but am dismayed nonetheless, and have very little patience indeed) and hope you can give yourself some grace for getting defended and snappy. If those ignorant horny blokes knew you had a black belt.... Imagine if you had shaved your head and slouched about in men's clothing...how different the experience might have been. And how inexpressibly sad it is to know how differently you'd have been treated. It is heartbreaking that so much of the world is so alarmingly sexist (and I kno…